PTA

Just got home from a PTA meeting. It was interesting. It was fun. I think I might like to be a part. I went because one of the members called to give me a personal invite. Not sure if others there had the same call but I felt special that I was thought of and invited. In school I was involved with things like the Student Council where we brought the meeting to a start, addressed people as Madam Treasurer, and had to first and second motions. I was a bit lost in the formality of the meeting and don't think I ever was able to say "Aye" to say I was in favor, even though I was in favor because I missed the cue. Under all that I found a group of people who are committed to my daughter's school. The amazing part to me was that there were women involved who did not even have children at the school, yet are still there because they are substitutes, used to have children, or are just supporters of the school. And there were even a few there who had went to the school themselves. I went to the same school as my Mom, we even had some of the same teachers. I always thought that was so cool.

There are many aspects to being involved and I think there will be a fit for me. But I want to make sure I am involved in the area where I can be most used and not feel overwhelmed with it. Our pastor has been preaching on worship (not the singing kind) but how what we worship is where we spend our time and money, it is what has our attention. This has hit me and I have been pondering this, trying to put more of my worship into God. I can be driven by so much....to name a few would be my husband, my kids, myself, cleaning, cooking, etc.

My job is to care for my family so I know I am guilty to worship and take control of that. I want to change this. I want to prioritize. I need God to be my number one, carrying all the burden of my family and trying to maintain that control is tiring. One of the things I most struggle with is how do I change this when my job is my family. And they need me ALL the time. And I love to serve them by caring for them. And then there is that whole being in control thing, how do I give that up? And if I don't do I trust God enough? There have been hard times in my life when I have been crushed, hurt down to my core. As much as God was there is as much as I pushed him away and took away that control. I have taken on that attitude that, if I can control it all then we will be okay and I can protect myself and my family. This hit me in church during a time of communion after one of the Pastor's messages. I was hoping that he would get to the how to worship God and let go of the other things. He did. His answer was simple, ask God. Ask God to help me see where in my life I can let go and give Him more of my attention. I am excited for this. To feel freedom. To see what that intimate place with Jesus will look like when I can surrender that control. I pray that God will show me these ways. I desire to give Him more of me. To surrender that control. I need balance in caring for my family and controlling them.

I mentioned pushing God away. However in a way I also pulled into Him. I know him differently. God never changes, however I think our view of Him can change. Through the different seasons we go through we need Him in different ways. I know God as stability now. As my constant provider and comforter. He is always there. The longer I live the more I see how life doesn't always go as planned. That life can hurt. Maybe I thought God protecting me meant Him shielding me from hurt in life. Maybe when life hurt I was at first angry at God. If He is God then why not protect me from pain? What I have learned is that God is my constant. I feel like this has made me see God, "after the honeymoon". That He in all His power will allow me to live a life in this world, and although I may not be free from hurt that the world brings or that we as humans do to one another...He will be there for me, regardless. He is never changing even though we as people do. In knowing this and realizing this, and realizing God needs more of my worship and to be a priority in my life. I desire to give Him more. I desire for the first time in a long time to be in the Word. I am excited to see where this will lead me. I know that I have to give Him that time and in doing so I am praying for that deeper level of intimacy.